MEET DR. JOE KORT
Dr. Joe Kort is a sex and relationship therapist. He is a published author of several books on male sexuality and working with the LGBTQ population, and is a frequent contributor to Psychology Today.
Dr. Kort is the co-director of Modern Sex Therapy Institutes, offering certifications in sexual health and clinical sexology.
Visit Dr. Kort’s website and listen to his podcast.
IN THIS PODCAST
- Dr. Joe’s experience with patients who struggle with sexual confidence post-breakup
- Consider doing things differently the second time around
- What a partner can do when the other feels threatened
- Erotic differentiation
DR. KORT’S EXPERIENCE WITH PATIENTS WHO STRUGGLE WITH SEXUAL CONFIDENCE POST-BREAKUP
The patient that Dr. Joe sees often make the same mistakes from their previous relationships again in their new ones, and it does not work out a second time, something needs to change. For example, many people do not share their auto-erotic, self-erotic desires, with their partner and in this hiding, shame grows.
Often, mixed-sex couples do not share their personal sex lives compared to same-sex couples, who do mostly share this from the get-go.
I really encourage all couples to do this within the first few months of dating so you’re on board with ‘what do I really like’ and with ‘what really turns me on’. (Dr. Joe Kort)
By not discussing your sexual preferences with your partner in the first few months, bigger problems can arise later on down the line when you finally begin talking about them, and your partner is taken aback or they do not share the same preferences.
CONSIDER DOING THINGS DIFFERENTLY THE SECOND TIME AROUND
Do not hide or lie about watching porn or using a sex toy, whether a man or woman, to your partner, because it can become personal to them. Have those erotic conversations with your partner so that you are both on the same page.
WHAT A PARTNER CAN DO WHEN THE OTHER FEELS THREATENED
They can look inside themselves and examine their own shame. Often the arguments around sex come from a place of shame and therefore they feel threatened. They shame themselves and then end up shaming their partner.
Be curious and open-minded with your partner about all the possible avenues and theories behind it.
In my opinion, sex is a part of relationships whether you’re having it or not, whether it’s good or bad – whatever it is – it has to be addressed. When you stop talking about it, that’s when you invite problems. (Dr. Joe Kort)
Erotic differentiation helps couples realize that different things are not bad and not wrong. In differentiation, couples are taught that no one or no thing is right or wrong, there is either a win-win or a lose-lose.
What is adventurous and what is boundary-crossing?
- Think about what is stopping you from trying this new thing with your partner, what about it is making you hesitate?
- If you do not want to try it, are there other options that you and your partner can explore?
- Can you discuss it openly and create a sense of curiosity instead of a feeling of shame?
There is more than one way to share someone’s interest and desire. You honor your partner’s sexuality instead of owning it.